Chapter 16

I started spending more time with my friends and just getting on with life. But I still had this ache in me for all that was lost, so I got deeper into my spiritual readings and videos. I started meditating and doing yoga again. I found a treasure trove of information on the internet that I used to have to seek out in books. Be cheerful and optimistic, that is now my plan for each day. Find joy wherever possible, and humor. Laughing is so good for you.

Phil found someone to install the wood stove for me. I bought some firewood and put it in my newly-built shed. Wow, life is about to get so much easier. Now I can have hot water in the winter, which I will heat on my stove.

I decided to put a latch on the inside of the entry door to my porch. That door opens to my enclosed, wrap-around porch which covers two sides of the house. I had asked Chuck to return my keys, including the keys to the van and truck, but he refused. Well, at least now I didn't have to be concerned about him walking in on me.

Aug 8

When I leave,
so do you.

That message was repeated several times. He even talked to Ellen on the phone once and told her he would turn me in to immigration if I tried to do anything to get rid of him. “If I go, she goes.”

Then, all too soon, snow season was upon us again. Only this is "global warming" snow, so instead of the soft, fluffy stuff, now it's mixed with ice. The snow plow comes down the road and pushes the ice to the side, under my mailbox. I work like crazy to try to keep it cleared out, but it's just too much. Then I get a note from the mailman telling me that the mailbox is inaccessible, so now I will have to pick up my mail at the post office until I get the ice removed.

I see Chuck out shoveling and I go over to tell him about it. Since he gets his mail from the same box, would he be so kind as to help shovel that out. He says, “No. I have too much other shoveling to do. I don't care if I have to get my mail from the post office.”

The next morning I'm getting ready to go out and shovel and I hear truck sounds, engine sounds I don't recognize. I look out the window and see an ATV with a plow on it coming up my driveway. It's Phil! He cleared out all the snow and ice. When he was finished he came in and had a coffee. He told me how he just had the plow put on and from now on he would always come over after a big snow. I asked him to please be careful of the live electrical wires going to the trailer, which were now under several inches of snow/ice. I showed him exactly where they were. Over the next few months there were a couple more big dumps of snow and Phil was always there the next day, clearing it all away for me.

Chuck had actually started paying me for electricity again, once it started getting cold. I got $150 in October and November, on the first of the month. December 5th came and I hadn't heard from him. So I called. “Hi. Can I come over and get your payment for the month? Want to meet me in the middle of the yard?”

“No, I'm not paying you anymore. I have to save my money so I can go to a motel when Phil runs over that power line and cuts it off. I really hope he doesn't get electrocuted when that happens.”

“I have showed Phil exactly where the power lines are; he always lifts the blade when he goes over those spots.”

“Phil is stupid. He doesn't know what he's doing. You're a fool to trust him.”

“Okay, if the cord gets run over, I'll pay for your motel room.”

He hung up on me. 

 

A couple of weeks later we had a power outage that lasted for two days. I called Chuck to assure him that this was a genuine blackout, everyone was affected. I did just fine those few days without electricity. I had the wood stove and batteries to keep myself alive. My computer was on dial-up back then so it still worked. I survived. So did Chuck. He has a generator and two propane tanks. Life went on as usual.

Chapter 17

January 1, 2009
To: Chuck Howe
From: Maria

Under our agreement that you would pay $150 per month to cover your electrical usage while living on my property in my trailer, and which you did not pay in December 2008, you now owe me $300.

Your electrical usage during the month of December, 2008, has exceeded $150 and I am neither willing nor able to continue to pay this expense for you, so I will be disconnecting it in 48 hours if you do not pay now. Since you managed to survive the recent 2-day outage caused by the weather, I am certain that you can safely continue to live in the same fashion. If you want to continue to use the electricity, I will need $300 now and at least $150 in each subsequent month, at the beginning of each month.

In a conversation we had several weeks ago you assured me you had other places you could go, so I want you off of this property as soon as possible. By the end of March, 2009, at the latest, I expect to see you removing yourself and your belongings from my property.

That message was delivered online and in a document attached to his door. On Jan 3, since there was no reply or payment, I turned off the breaker to the trailer.

Jan 4

To: Maria

It's time! Give me the money for the motel.
Propane and gas costs me 20 -30 bucks a day - and a whole lot of time and loss of sleep - noisy smelly damn thing
pay up - my line got cut!
I'll eat up a couple months rent in no time running this generator . . .
and 60 degrees in the morning is just too damn cold to shave and wash . .
so I sorta stink a bit . . .

To: Chuck

Your line didn't get "cut,"‏  it was turned off due to non-payment. Just like in real life, you gotta pay your bills. And I believe I make that easy enough for you. So, I don't understand your reluctance. Just pay the agreed upon $150 per month. That's $300 now. Really, how hard is that?”  

Actually, I could use a shower myself. Wanna get a room at the motel up the road? You and me?

He calls on the phone and says he would like to rectify the situation but I put so much pressure on him he doesn't know what to do. I tell him to just pay his bill and all will be fine. He hangs up on me.

To: Chuck

Rectify? I would like to do that, as well. “PRESSURE? You proposed to me! I spent almost $500 on the paperwork to get that approved, and then you told me, in these exact words, "I would never marry you.”

Tell you what, I will pay for a motel room for us for a day or two. We can relax and unwind there, talk things over. I would, of course, tell many people in advance where I am going. I'm sure you would want to do the same. And there will be a weapons check at the door. You okay with that?

There was no reply, but a few minutes later I heard yelling outside and pounding on the door. “Turn the fucking power back on! Turn the fucking power back on!” Evidently he had discovered he was no longer able to just walk in on me.

I decided to go out and try to talk to him, quietly. It was January outside, cold and snowy, so I put on boots, coat and hat. At the same moment my hand touched the kitchen doorknob, I heard the sound of shattering glass. I turned right around and walked the 6 steps across the kitchen to grab the phone and dial 911.

“911. What is your emergency?”

“A man is trying to break into my house! He is beating out the window of my entry door, beating and beating. Listen, can you hear it?” I held up the phone towards the door.

“Yes, I hear it. A patrol has been dispatched and is on its way. Do you know who the person is?”

“Yes, he's my ex-boyfriend. He's drunk and mad that his electricity got turned off for nonpayment. I think he's trying to get in to get to my breaker box.”

“How far away are you from the door?”

“It's a door to an outside porch and he's not through that yet. Then he'll have to break down another door to get to where I am.”

“Stay where you are and stay on the phone with me. The patrol car will be there any minute. What's happening now?”

“Oh, listen, it sounds like he's trying to kick the outside door down now. There's a latch hook on it I guess he can't see. Can you hear him?”

“Yes, I can. You should see the car lights coming up your street any minute now. Do you see them?”

“Yes, and I see him running back across the yard to his trailer now.”

“I'll relay that. Stay on the line with me. Okay, they've caught him now. Someone will be at your door in a minute.”

Knock, knock, knock.

“Yes, they're here. Thank you so much for your help.”

There were two cars. Two officers went to his place, one came to mine. He told me Chuck was being arrested because they could see the damage he had done. Now he wanted to come in and take a statement from me.

Okay. He sat in a chair in the kitchen and I told him the whole story, which I have relayed here, only I just started it with the day Chuck asked me to marry him. I showed him our messages on my computer, including the threats made. He wrote everything down then asked me a series of questions. The last question was, “Do you think he was deliberately trying to hurt you?”

I said no, I think he was just trying to get me to turn the breaker switch back on. Later I came to wish I hadn't said that.

The officer, though, said something that helped save my sanity. First he said, “I don't think you realize this but you are a victim of domestic abuse. Use that computer to get yourself informed about that. Next, here is a card from the local women's shelter. Call them tomorrow. They will give you very good advice about what to do.”

He walked out onto the porch, which was covered with shattered glass, and said, “Have you been out here to look around yet?”

'No, and I don't want to, not right now. This has been the most horrible night of my life and I just want to go to bed. I'll deal with that mess tomorrow, when I feel stronger.”

So, I went and had about four hours sleep; then the phone rang. It was the police and since I didn't really press charges against him, he was just charged with drunken mischief and was being released. He had been instructed to stay away from my house and had signed an agreement to replace the broken window. And I had to turn his electricity back on. An officer would be coming in the house to watch me flip the switch.

I called Phil the next morning and told him what had happened. He told me he'd already heard that there were a bunch of police cars here and he would be right over. He came into the porch and said, “Oh, damn. What a mess. Did he drop this log here?” That's when I saw the piece of lumber Chuck had evidently thrown through the window when I first heard the glass break. That could have hit me, if I had walked out when I was going to. Instead it knocked over a bucket full of trash. “There's another log just like it outside the door, on the ledge.”

 

I asked Phil if he would please drive me to get some beer. It looked like it was going to be a very stressful day. As we left it dawned on me that there was now no reason to lock the door, since there was no longer a window in it. Plus, Chuck still had a key to the kitchen door. So I would have to do something about that right away.

When I got back home I called the shelter and talked to a lovely woman for about three hours. She listened to my whole story then gave me advice about calling lawyers, and how that might not really work out for me, due to my situation here. There could be the issue of me making him a homeless man, so I was finally advised to just tell him to take the trailer and go.

I went out and stapled a sheet of plastic over what used to be a window, then picked up some of the glass. Each shattered piece was a slice through my heart. Dear Lord, how could he possibly do such a thing? What happened to that sweet, gentle person I met so long ago? There is my life, my hopes, my dreams, all shattered on the floor in front of me now. Nothing can ever put those pieces back together. Then I drank a beer and went to sleep for about 12 hours.

The next day I called Ellen to tell her about what happened and she insisted on coming over for a while. We drank a few beers and had a good talk. She assured me she would always help with anything I needed.

I tidied up the kitchen then, moved some newspapers that were on the table. There was a pair of brown cloth gloves underneath. I figured Ellen must have left them and I put them in my coat pocket to remind me to give them to her the next time I saw her. That was two weeks later when she picked me up to go shopping. I said, “Here, you left these last time you were over.”

She looked at them and said, “Nope, not mine. I've never seen them before.”

They must be Phil's then. A week later when he came over to plow again I showed them to him and asked if he had left them. He assured me he had never had gloves like that.

There was only one other person the gloves could have belonged to then: Chuck. So he was either in the house when I left with Phil, or while I was asleep. I installed a hasp on the outside of the door and put a heavy-duty padlock on it which I kept locked all the time. Now I was locked in. I prayed there wouldn't be a fire.

Chapter 18

News about illegal immigrants had started showing up all the time now, stirring some heated online debates. Here are some posts from Chuck.

Jan. 18

I helped ONE -

just ONE to get themselves illegally into my country

and she has fucked up my life beyond belief.

Jan. 20

yeah - I got one up here I gotta send back

Feb. 28

Interesting phrase, "Sociopaths watch and study real humans " - took me over 4 years to realize that someone close to me does NOT react to logic/reasoning like most of us

I've studied sociopaths for only a few months now, but realize there is only one solution to deal with my own personal situation

have no contact

the lying and stealing still continue,

but I am working towards a solution where this person will no longer be in my environment -

ummm - LEGAL solution I should stress . .

and interesting resource for information and comments on sociopaths I found is at lovefraud.com

One comment I read in there is that one of the safest ways to deal with sociopaths is to treat them like an alien

which in some sort way they ARE

I've also read there is NO CURE for these kind of people - and one's best bet is to JUST GET AWAY

I'm reminiscent of a song called "Man Eater" - "She'll chew you up and spit you out"

Well, in my 58 years, I've never met anyone that fits the bill like this one does

Man eater? I really did have to laugh at that one. Honey, you clearly have no clue what being chewed up and spit out looks like.

I got my electric bill for January: $600. February was $700. In March it dropped to $550.

March 4

I helped a sociopath to get into my country, now she is ruining my life

And I can't believe that my "friends" are still calling her a "nice old lady"

There is a REASON that she came here illegally - they don't get it . .

March 10

Subject: Someone was arrested at a protest and posted about their jail experience.

Last time I was involved with the cops, I refused to talk with them unless they provided me with a lawyer for the 4 hours they held me in lockup

Despite having over 500 bucks in cash, and a fast-food place across the road, and numerous requests and willingness to pay for some food, they refused to feed me

In case it's not apparent, he's talking about the night he was arrested for beating the window out of my house. I'm delusional? No one replied to that post. 

April. I see Chuck walk out to the creek, which is totally against the rules. He had told me to stay away from his yard and he's been told him to stay out of mine. So I take some deep breaths and march out to confront him. There's a piece of carpet out there to keep the entry clear to the little trail that goes down to the creek. He picks it up, shakes it off, puts it back in place. Looked like a sign of peace, or at least a “let's talk,' to me. We really do have to learn to live together here, after all, for the time being. Besides, he's supposed to replace my window. 

 

So, I thank him for shaking the rug and mention what a strange and harsh winter it has been. We discuss the weather for a bit, then it starts to lightly rain. He says he loves the rain and it's warm enough now to be out in it. I agree.

Then it starts to rain really hard, so we run over to his greenhouse, laughing. He offers me a beer. Waves of relief are rushing over me. We talk about summer coming and gardening. I tell him how much I have missed him and worried about him. He tells me that he has been quite ill; something is wrong with his stomach. He is quite sure that it is brought on by the stress of his situation here.

I offer that perhaps his problem is actually mental, and caused by his mother. He replies, “Oh, my mom's not so bad.”

I say I have been pretty stressed out, too. Having a window beaten out of my house is one of the more stressful things I've ever had to deal with.

“I didn't beat the window out, Maria. All I did was knock on the door too hard and the glass broke.”

“Oookay, well, I am very sorry that you have all this stress. I certainly don't want you to 

be ill. It can so easily be remedied, you know. All I ask from you is that you pay for your electricity.”

“Don't even go there, Maria.”

With a sharp intake of breath, I said, “I guess there is nothing else to be said then.” I looked into his eyes and thought, “Fish eyes. It's like looking into dead fish eyes. Empty.” I turned around and walked away.

He called out, “Hey, you forgot to tell me how much you love me.”

Chapter 19

In May I'm outside cleaning up the yard and I see Bill drive by. He's back! I go up to see him the next day and he has a couple of friends there. I give him a welcome back hug and say, “Boy, do I have something to tell you.”

“Well, I have something to tell you first. Chuck came by last night. He walked up, carrying a beer and said, 'I have to tell you about Maria. She's evil. I have never met such an evil woman. Don't trust her!'

“Well, I'll talk to her first and make up my own mind about that.”

One of Phil's brothers was there that day. I had met him a few times before. Laughing out loud, he says, “She's evil?” 

Bill said Chuck was asking if he could move back up there, but Bill said no, that's not going to happen. Chuck starts wandering around the property, picking up stuff. He would say, “I'll take this.”

“No, no you won't. Go home.”

I asked if Chuck had told him about how he beat the window out of my door. No, he failed to mention anything about that. So, I tell everyone what happened over the winter. I asked Bill to please take him back, get him the hell out of my life.

“Sorry, dear. You know I'd do just about anything for you. But that's more than anyone deserves. That guy should be in jail.”

“Yeah, actually I think he'd be happy there.”

 

May 16

Subject: some guy who shot his landlord is going to jail.

hmm - my landlady cut my heat off at 20 below this winter

I never considered shooting her

hmmmm

free heat, 3 squares a day

hmmm

I decided it was high time to get the door replaced. Doors are expensive, $300. But I obviously had a psychopath living next door and it was keeping me from sleeping at night. Any sound would wake me with a start, and this old house makes lots of sounds in the night. Phil came over and helped me install it and it only took about an hour. It's such a joy to have a real door again. 

The long-awaited warm days of June finally returned. I watched and waited for the day Chuck would leave around 10 a.m., because then he would not come back until later in the afternoon.

When I saw him depart I turned off the breakers and went out and cut the power line going into the trailer. Then I came in and undid all the wiring he had connected in the basement. Next I replaced all the padlocks on the barn. Then I just sat and watched. 

 

He came home and went in; after a few minutes he came out and looked at the wiring. He looked over at my house, then looked back at the wiring. He looked at my house again, then went back in. About 20 minutes later a police car pulled into Chuck's driveway. I called Phil and asked him if he could get over here right away and he did. So he was with me when the officer finally came and knocked on my door.

“Good day, ma'am. Your neighbor over there claims you cut his power line. Did you do that?”

“No, not really. First, that's not his power line. He doesn't pay for it. I had a bunch of friends over earlier: Phil here, and Bill, Dan, Joe, Tom. They all know that he hasn't paid me a cent towards the costs here for six months now and has been told to leave. So, they were all out here helping me move some stuff in the barn and I guess one of them decided to just go ahead and do that. Or maybe someone ran over it. I really don't know.”

Phil says, “Yeah, she's telling the truth. That guy is a crook.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

 

He went back over and talked to Chuck, then drove away. Woo hoo! High fives!

Later that day I had a surprise visit from one of my neighbors across the street, Jack. I had met him once, years ago, when he stopped by to say hi to Chuck. They had known each other for around 20 years. Over the past year I would occasionally see Chuck go over to his house. Jack wanted to know if I was okay because he'd seen the police car. He then invited me to come over, have a beer, and meet his wife. I thought, “Well, this should be interesting.” Indeed it was.

The first thing I learned was that despite knowing Chuck for all those years, they did not like him at all. Lisa said he was mean, nasty and he stunk. She said he would come over when their friends were there and the friends would all find reasons to leave right away. So they dreaded his visits. But they were too polite to just tell him to go away.

Jack told me that in all the years he had known him, Chuck had never been able to hold down a job. “Hell, they even kicked him off the volunteer fire department because once when they were out fighting a brush fire, Chuck just sat down and ate his lunch while he watched them. The guy is totally worthless.”

I gave them a run down on all that had transpired for me. They asked why I didn't just throw him out so I explained to them how he was blackmailing and threatening me. “My God, he's holding you hostage there!”

 

“Yes, that's exactly what he's doing and it's good that you can see that, too. I'm just glad it's being done in such a beautiful spot. I love it here so very much. I sure do not want to go back to my country. People are killing each other all over the place down there. The police are mostly all corrupt as well as the politicians. I would be terrified to go back now.”

“Oh, we understand. We think this is one of the nicest places in the world to live. Well, we'll see if we can come up with a plan to get him out of the neighborhood. Meanwhile, we'll keep an eye on you over there and help you out if you ever need anything.”

See what I mean? The people here are just so amazing. A few weeks later it was quite a hot, sunny day and Bill stopped by to ask if I wanted to go boating. He has a big bass boat. So, off we went and soon we were out in the river, cruising along, just the two of us. He stands up and says, “Here, you drive for a while. I want to lay down for a little bit. If I fall asleep, don't steal any of my rugs.”

Omigod, I never drove a boat before! “Nothing to it. Just steer and try to keep us from running into the shore.” I had so much fun. What an honor to be trusted like that. After all these years of being told I was stupid and incompetent, this day was a real turning point for me. I love you, Bill, more than you'll ever know.

                                                     

Chapter 20

As usual, Chuck just keeps on spouting his venom. He knows I can see these.

July 04

That's my landlady, an illegal in my country, town and life . .

Took her 2 years to finally get me to live on her property, now kicking me out because I refuse to marry her to maker "legal"

Four years it took me to figure out her lack of empathy for the rest of her species

Uses people, then throws them away.

In five years that I have known her, I've seen no communication from her family and friends

She "charmed" me with promises of employment and a place to stay "forever"

"Forever" lasted about 8 months, and she has thwarted my attempts to even move away by increasing my living costs - interfering with friendships of decades, and disconnecting power- hard to even have a proper diet without a fridge/freezer.

In my 58 years of living, I have been taken advantage of many times, as I tend to treat every person on "face" value - not judge them by their sex, race, religion, work history, whatever.

She is definitely the worst human I have known in my whole life.

One thing though, she has guaranteed that she will be forever remembered.

Right up there with Gee Dubya

ponder that

July 10

Long story short -

I'm now living in a trailer on the same property - no electricity, no running water - and she either poaches my friends, or scares them away.

I remember MANY times in our initial conversations, on the web, and on the phone of disconnecting with her for my perception of inconsideration -

that's a polite word

insanity would be a better one.

I should have trusted my instincts 5 years ago -

heck I'm 59 years old

I never hung up or disconnected on ANYBODY before her

but sociopaths are masters of deception.

I remember a young girl of 14 that I was dating when I was 15 years old.

She said "Chuck- you're gonna have a hard life You're too gullible"

I wonder if she had any idea how right she was

Sociopath's are very good at making problems seem "Your fault"

At 59 - I'm surprised I got fooled - well,. I was 54 at the time - the people I introduced her to to try to make her a part of the community are no longer MY friends.

"possession" is part of a sociopath's personality

they don't like to "share"

By this time I had leaned all about a condition called narcissistic personality disorder, npd for short. Now, there are many websites about this horrible disorder and all the things that have happened to people who get in relationships with these types, so I'm not going to try to reinvent the wheel. My hope here is that someone will read this and recognize the behavior, then take appropriate steps to protect themselves. Or maybe someone has already been devastated by such a relationship and will find some helpful information about how to survive afterward.

I'll just offer some of the basic descriptions of the disorder. Goodness knows these red flags waved at me from the very beginning of our relationship, but I had no idea that they were warning signs of such serious danger.  

• An exaggerated sense of self-importance and belief there is nothing they cannot do. Believe they are special, unique, and therefore misunderstood.
• They require excessive admiration. If you don't give it to them, you are not worth their time.
• A sense of entitlement. They think, “I know I'm right, I don't care what anyone else thinks!”
• Selfishly take advantage of others to achieve their own ends. “You’re just lucky I chose you.”
• Lack empathy.
• Often envious of others or believe that others are envious of them.
• Show arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes.
  

Many people describe the eyes of a narcissist when he is in a rage, swearing they seem to turn black. Other times, they just seem to be flat and empty, like there is not actually a living being behind them.

 

They frequently employ a type of control called gaslighting. They deny having conversations you know occurred. They turn conversations into never-ending arguments that seem to go around in circles, until you finally just give up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.

I had some problems with my well pump one time and I asked him for help. He had installed it for me a few years prior. He spent about 5 minutes and got it working again and asked me for $20. He took it and went home, then came back 10 minutes later and started yelling and accusing me of stealing plumbing parts from him. I had no idea what he was talking about. I don't “do” plumbing and hadn't been down in the basement since the pump installation. Evidently he left some things there at the time. I tried to explain that and told him to take whatever he thought was his. But he just told me I was delusional and then he stormed away.

Narcissistic personality disorder is believed to be brought about by parents who do not value their children, so the children have to create their own reality in order to cope; then they never grow out of it. It's very sad, really. Once they grow up there is no pill or therapy available to make this go away. Plus there's the fact that since they think they are perfect, there's no way they will ever admit that they need help. They might admit they are a little depressed or something and get a bit of therapy, but in no time at all they are cured and back to being their perfect selves.

A personality disorder is not the same as a mental illness. A mental illness (schizophrenia, for instance) can be treated, with varying degrees of success, with medications and/or therapy. Most mental illnesses are caused by brain cell synaptic disruptions, which are believed to be genetic in origin. I've read about many people who are bipolar and as long as they take their meds, their symptoms subside and they feel and act relatively normal.

A personality disorder, on the other hand, is all pervasive. The DSM-IV describes a personality disorder as “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.”

Having a relationship with a narcissist eventually starts to feel like you have been hit by an emotional truck. You find yourself flat on the ground with tire tracks across your heart and shattered glass in your finger tips. The hardest part is realizing you saw the driver of that truck; it was someone you thought you could trust with your life. And he never even gave you a backward glance as he drove away.

The only way to get your wheels back on the track now after being derailed is to stop ALL contact with him. Unfortunately, if you still have to live on the same property, or share child support, you're going to have to do a whole lot of inner work.

The first thing I found that really helped was to learn to have an attitude of gratitude. Initially, you just have to just start saying this to yourself first thing every morning and repeat it throughout the day: “I have an attitude of gratitude.” Then you will find you actually start practicing it. I was grateful for my friends, I was grateful for the food on my plate, I was grateful to be living in such a beautiful place.

Slowly but surely the brain fog will start to clear and you will feel a little better. When you start to feel better, you see that things really are better. From the Love Fraud website (Thanks for telling me about it, Chuck. I got a lot of good advice there.): “What happens when you focus on peace and joy? It reduces your stress, which deactivates your fight or flight response, which allows your body’s natural healing capacity to do its job."

So, I find joy in looking at the sun shining on my frosty windows, making them glint with red and blue. I find joy in looking at the pristine snow outside, sparkling in the sunlight. I find great joy in gardening. I find joy in opening my eyes at night and seeing stars out my window. I have volunteered several times to work at the nursing home when Ellen needed help with some special project. That always gives me joy. I even enjoy chopping and carrying wood. My life is full and it is good.

Another thing I learned is to stop "thinking" i. e., employing logic. Logic just doesn't apply when dealing with a narcissist. Thinking about what's happened will just tie your brain in knots.

Instead, I started meditating. This is what I do: I wake up very early and can see the sky out the window at the head of my bed. I confront the proposition that I can now either lie here and let thoughts about my situation nag at me, or I can choose what to think. I choose to think about my breath, going in, going out. If my thoughts start to wander, I look out at the sky again and concentrate on my breathing. Next, I consciously ask my guardian angels, whoever or whatever they might be, to guide me on my path. Then I get up and go about my day, chopping wood, carrying water.

When the work day is done, I meditate again. People use different body positions for meditation; one of my favorites is the walking position. I walk from window to window, filling my eyes with the glory of nature. Or I go out and walk among the trees. I do not think about things past or future, I consider only where I am right now and what that feels like.

At long last, I feel at peace with myself. I even manage to feel compassion for Chuck. I know he cannot help being what he is. Thankfully, now I also know WHAT he is and that he is to be avoided, forever.

Chapter 21

One day I was over at Phil's and heard a cat crying outside, and I do mean crying. After a while I said, “Whose kitty is that?”

“Oh, the people next door. Cat used to live inside but they have a new baby now and I guess it was always getting in the crib with the baby and they were afraid the cat would smother it or something. So they threw it out. I let it come in here a couple of times but I can't stand the cat hair. So now it just sits out on the porch and cries all the time.”

“Oh, for God's sake.”

I went out and the little guy came running right up to me. I picked him up and his ears and little de-clawed feet were ice cold. It was November, after all. He shivered and snuggled up under my chin. I fell in love.

I said, “That's it, Phil. We're gonna have us a catnapping. Take me home now so I can call Ellen and make sure she's okay with the idea, since I already have Belle. Then come get me in the morning and we'll bring the little guy to my house.”

He called in the morning and told me he had talked to the people and they were more than happy to give him away. They had given Phil his food, some toys, and a cat box, and he would bring them all over, if the cat didn't have some sort of panic attack in his truck. About half an hour later they drove up. The cat was sitting happily on the seat, obviously enjoying the ride.

“His name is Mick, and he sure seems to like riding, just like a dog.”

Thus came a new love into my life. My little Mick, who absolutely adores me. Turns out he's a Manx, I hadn't realized that; I had never met one before. Are they always this smart? He seems totally capable of reading my mind.

He has to be wherever I am. He sits in my lap when I am at the computer and stares up at me with eyes full of love. Sometimes when he's doing that he seems to swoon and falls over against my chest. He sleeps all cuddled up next to me. Belle has always preferred sleeping in a box in a separate room. They get along pretty well. There is the occasional “Hisss, fffft,” and they bat at each other with their clawless pads, but I separate them and all is well again. 

I made another new friend around that time, too. The house right across the street from

me had been for sale for a good while. Then I found out a single woman from out of town had bought it. One day after the movers had evidently finished bringing everything, I went over and introduced myself. I gave her a Welcome to the Neighborhood card with my phone number in it and told her to call if she needed any help at all. About a week later she called and asked if I'd like to come over and have a glass of wine.

Dee Dee was still living amidst piles of boxes but she uncovered two chairs and a small table and we plunked ourselves down for a good, long chat. She had left an abusive relationship down in the city and decided she needed to live the wilderness experience for her mental health. For her physical health, as well.

I told her about the situation at my place and that she should be very wary if Chuck were to come over and offer to help her out with anything. She told me that the realtor, a life-long Whispering Springs resident, had already warned her about him. This was the same realtor that sold me my house. Why didn't he warn me?

Anyway, we became fast friends and I eventually introduced her to everyone I know. The winter went by pretty quickly having so many friends to pass the time with. I could go into town whenever I needed to. Phil and his son are both avid fishermen and hunters so I was always on the receiving end for fresh fish and venison.

We had very little snow that winter so I was able to keep it shoveled out by myself except for a couple of times. Then spring came early with some really strong winds, which blew my greenhouse over. I built a frame inside it with 2x4s and stood it back up. 

Dee Dee bought a rototiller so she could put in a garden in her yard. Then she brought it over and made my garden plot bigger. Spending so much time working out in the yard, I decided to let the cats come out with me. Oh, were they ever happy with that decision.

They love exploring all around the yard. Mick has to always be where I am. When I dig in the garden, he digs in the garden. When I mow the yard, the cats run into the house because they don't like the noise. But as soon as I'm done, Mick comes out and climbs up onto the tractor seat, looking around with great satisfaction. 

 

Eventually the cats became more independent, sometimes wandering over to Chuck's. This worries me. Chuck is fanatical about feeding the birds. He has half a dozen bird feeders set up over there. Since they're the only friends he seems to have left, I certainly don't begrudge him. But cats do kill birds, although I do my best to discourage them whenever I see them stalking one. I even took down all my bird feeders.

Cats kill a lot of other things, too. Mick is my mole getter. He'll crouch down by a hole and just wait. Then, bang, he gets one. I am happy for the sake of my garden. Belle, on the other hand, likes snakes.

One day I was outside and see her come trotting across the yard, something in her mouth. As she gets closer I see it is a snake, about two feet long, and she wants to bring it in the house. Ah, geeze. I run and close the back door and then beg her to please put it down. She finally does and I get a shovel and pick it up and take it over to where the land drops down towards the creek, and toss it.

Another time she actually did get into the house with one and dropped it on the kitchen floor. It was still quite alive. I was freaking out and jumping up and down yelling, “Ah, Ah!” It quickly slithered away under the pantry door and I never saw it again. I'm guessing it found its way down to the basement and then out from there. They're just garter snakes and I'm not really afraid of them. I just didn't want to find one in my bed.

Once she brought in a chipmunk. It, too, was still alive. When she dropped it, it jumped into the cupboard under the sink. I don't have a door there so it stays warm and not likely to freeze the pipes in winter. Belle went in after it and suddenly containers of dish washing soap, laundry soap, paper towels came flying out, followed by the chipmunk and Belle. I had opened the kitchen door so after a couple of laps around the kitchen, chipmunk and cat were out the door again. I don't know how that event ended and it's better that way, I'm sure.

I did learn, though, to always look out the window before opening the door for the cats because you just never know what prize they might be bringing home to Mom.

Chapter 22

Still, Chuck continues to post, though no one responds anymore:

June

 I am living on propane and a generator in an 18 foot trailer

100 feet away from a 3-bedroom house occupied by a single person on the same property.

Have not talked with them for over a year, almost a year since they cut the power to my       trailer.

Our social assistance network has not found me other accommodation, despite my efforts to rent another dwelling.

59 years old, worked since I was 19, but now on welfare.

living in a trailer in a field, no electric (unless I'm running my generator) - no running water - and yeah - no bath or shower . . .

and FOOD! - how the hell do you eat half decent without a refrigerator??

Poor Chuck, still hasn't come to grips with the fact that he did this to himself. He continues to believe that someone else is responsible for his problems and now he's waiting for someone else to solve them.

Besides, he thinks he's got problems. My creek quit running in July which was rather alarming. So me and Dee Dee hiked up one day to the source, to see if something was blocking it. She insisted on going with me because she doesn't want me hiking out on the property by myself. Some water was still trickling out from the spring but only enough to go down a little way, then it just dried up. I guess this is what happens after a really dry winter.

My well, too, seemed to be running low and I often had very little pressure After a few minutes it would quit running entirely and I'd have to wait about half an hour to get more water. Filling my outside tank took hours, where it used to fill in just 20 minutes. Fortunately, Dee Dee's water was fine so I started getting jugs of water from her.

We had frequent rain showers and my rain barrels collected enough water to keep my garden going. I grew tons of tomatoes and zucchini which I would roast in my solar oven and then freeze. My potato yield this time was 48. The turnips didn't do too well, I only got a few. I grew three nice, big winter squash.

I had bought 12 face cords of wood and spent hours stacking it outside to dry, then moving it onto my porch or into my wood shed. I had about 20 gallons of water stored in the house. Dee Dee and Ellen both took me to Northview to stock up on groceries before winter. So my pantry was full. I found a nifty little single burner stove for $10 that I felt would be handy to have. I had heard predictions that it was going to be a very harsh winter, in more ways than one. I wanted to be prepared.

One preparation was to store a lot of stuff in my barn that had been taking up room in the house. I was tired of having to stack everything on one side of the barn because of all Chuck's stuff on the other side. So one day when he was away I pulled all his crap out and piled it over by his camper. In spite of the fact that he has a shed that he built that is mostly empty, he just let the stuff lay there in the dirt.

The first snowfall came in December and dumped about two feet of heavy, wet snow. I worked at trying to clear it away for a couple of days but my progress was slow. I had to spend a lot of time working in the back so I could get to the woodshed and so the cats would have some place they could go out to. I only managed to open a foot path down to the road in the front.

As much as I hate to ask for help, I finally called Phil to see if he would be coming over with his plow. Turns out the heater in his truck had gone out so he couldn't drive it with no way to defrost the windows. On top of that, the 4-wheel drive on his ATV was also gone and he was waiting on a part. He didn't know when he'd be back on the road again.

The next morning I was at my computer and I heard a truck outside in my driveway. I thought Phil must have worked things out. But I looked out and saw the guy driving the plow truck was someone I had never seen before. I quickly called Phil and asked if he had sent someone over to help me. Nope.

Well, good grief. I got into all my outside clothes and managed to get out there just as the guy was finishing up. I caught up with him at the road and thanked him about 10 times and told him he was an angel. He told me he didn't usually just go in and plow without being asked, but he had seen me trying to cope with that mess for a couple of days and he decided he was just going to go ahead and do it. Merry Christmas!

I got to thinking about this. I had never seen the guy before. He was wearing a red jacket and had long white hair and a white beard. Oh my. It was Santa!

On Christmas day Dee Dee and I went to the nursing home where Ellen works and helped to hand out gifts. We would take the gifts to the folks and read the card and then help them to unwrap their presents. It was lots of fun, very poignant, and three hours passed by very quickly. Then we all headed over to Phil's for some snacks and Christmas cheer. It was quite a lovely day.

It snowed and snowed throughout January, but I managed to keep it shoveled out all by myself. I kept my fire going and my house toasty warm. I cook most of my meals on the wood stove, plus I always keep several gallons of water heated on top of the stove. Towards the end of the month I saw the weather forecast on the internet said it was going to clear up for a few days, and get very, very cold. Twenty below zero cold.

I got up one morning, the fire had gone out and it was minus 22 outside. I got the fire started again then went to fill the cats' water dish, and nothing came out of the faucet. Damn. I turned on the electric heaters to try to help things thaw, wherever it was they were frozen. With the sun shining outside and all the heaters and wood stove going inside, I got it up to 80 degrees inside by afternoon. But still no water.
 

Fortunately I had all that stored water, so life went on pretty much as usual for a few days. Then I used the water all up and still had nothing coming from my taps. So I decided I had to make that dreaded trip to the basement to see if I could figure out what was going on.

When you're on a well you have to have a pressure tank to push the water up into your pipes. My pressure tank was only a few years old now. Chuck's supposed plumbing supplies were STILL all in the same place.

I looked at the gauge on the tank and it said 100 pounds, the maximum. Uh oh, not good. It should be about 40 pounds. What to do? Get on the internet. Soon enough I found someone to tell me where the pressure relief valve was and things I might try. So I did all that plus put down a space heater to blow on the intake pipe in case it was frozen there. Still nothing. Every other day I would fill my toboggan with jugs and pull them across the road to Dee Dee's and get more water.

One afternoon there was a knock on my door and I was surprised to see Lisa. She invited me to come over and meet Ian, a good friend of theirs who had moved from town here long ago but always came back to visit over the holidays. He knew all about Chuck and had long wanted to meet me.

“Well, I'd sure like to meet him, too, but he's going to see me at my absolute worse. I haven't had running water here for weeks so I'm kind of funky.”

“Oh, don't worry about that. Heck, he can probably even help you with whatever is wrong.”

“Sounds good to me. Give me a few minutes to brush my teeth and change and I'll be right over.”

  

So I met dear, sweet, cute Ian. Same age as me, divorced for many years, he now lived way over on the west coast. But he always wanted to come back to Whispering Springs, where he was born and raised. He and Jack had been best friends since childhood. I explained my water problem and he said he'd come over in the morning and look into it for me. We ate Christmas cookies and had a few drinks. Then he walked me home and we shared a big hug in the moonlight.

He came over the next day and we spent hours draining pipes, turning things off and on again, blasting the heater here and there. Finally I had running water again. Not only that, I had more water pressure than I'd had for a long, long time. I was very happy.

He told me, “No charge, this time.”

I told him that when he returned in the summer, which he said he planned to do, I would fix him a big picnic lunch. He agreed, then we went back up to Jack and Lisa's and talked and drank beer and had a pleasant afternoon. He walked me home again with one more big hug; he left the next day. I do hope I see him again.