Chapter 6

I got to thinking about how I was going to cook with just a microwave, barbecue, toaster and crock pot. I wanted something a little more eco-friendly. So I did some research online and found myself a solar oven. That would be the perfect solution for my new, off-grid lifestyle.

Chuck sent me a message telling me he had a great surprise for me. It was in the barn waiting for me. No, he wouldn't give me even a little clue. He wanted it to be a truly great surprise when I returned. He mentioned that I might not hear from him so much now as he had become a member of the volunteer fire department and was going to lots of training sessions. I was so proud of him. I was sure this would be good for him in many ways.

Later he started sending messages of distress about his rental situation. He had lost his job at the mill and was back on welfare. The other guy on the property where Chuck lived didn't like that Chuck was there all the time now, since the guy's wife was also there and he seemed to think something might be going on between them. Meanwhile, Chuck had started not paying the full rent amount, due to broken water pipes and electrical issues. So the landlady, Pam, had left an eviction notice on his door.

Chuck knew that this notice was not legal and had no validity so he was making plans with his social worker to fight it in court. He told me how much this social worker, Ann, liked him. He could get her to do just about anything for him. He said she always told him that he was unique. Here is something he wrote to me, explaining how she was looking out for him.

Oct 6            

My worker told me that the landlady called social services, complaining about me not signing the lease and whining I was giving her a hard time. Ann sort of hinted that they told her that if I was paying the rent to go blow it out her ass . Pam also told them she was going to evict me, but social services already knows my situation here, the insulation/sewage problems, etc.

Nice try, Pam. I'll be "doing" her as soon as I know she's in Florida - wonder how THAT will go when it comes to the part for her to attend a court hearing. A no-show on her part would almost guarantee a win for me. I'd probably win anyways, but I'd love to see her holiday interrupted - serve her right. Everything should be froze up pretty good by then, too.

So forget her 1 year lease - I'll fuck her on her 60 day notice too - I'll go straight to the dept. of health - they're a lot quicker than the court. But I can possibly get money off her thru the court - I'll sting her on both ends - but no rush on my part. Ann read me the whole report on Pam's call, and Pam will never know that I know, unless I tell her.

I was pretty anxious to get back and see what I could do to help. Just before my next trip he told me he had been sick a lot, probably due to not being able to afford decent food. This had caused him to be “fired” from the volunteer job because he wasn't able to keep up with the other fire fighters. He had been looking online for food supplements and found something that looked good called N-large. It's a powder you mix with liquid and has lots of nutrients in it. Chuck couldn't order it because he had no credit card. So I found it online and had a gallon of it delivered to him, $100.

He said:

In a way you sent me up some Health "Insurance"!! - Well done :)

I said:

Well, you know, sweetie, that I worry about you. You seem to have so many challenges.

He said:

Oh, you don't have to worry about me. I have a guardian angel who watches out for me. No matter how bad things get, they always end up working out just fine. It's probably because I'm such a good guy. I am totally honest and I would never hurt anyone. So Momma Nature provides.

Then I didn't hear from him again. 

I returned at the end of November, wanting to spend another Christmas and New Year. First thing I did was call Chuck, but his phone was disconnected. I went to the barn to see what my surprise was. The first surprise was the barn was half filled with Chuck's stuff: boards, mattresses, window panes, old computer parts, all sorts of things. Then I saw it, a wishing well! I had mentioned before how much I wanted one to set over my well head, which was a big metal thing sticking up in the yard. Now, this wishing well had obviously been picked up at the dump as it needed painting and such, but I loved it. It was just what I wanted.

I went over to Phil's where I learned that Chuck had moved out about a month ago. Phil said he'd seen his truck around now and then but had no idea where he was living. So I went back to my moving in chores. I still had boxes of clothes I hadn't unpacked yet. I do have a lot of clothes, I admit it. But I figured if I kept them all then I would never have to buy any again. Another way to save money. 

 

This little old house, though, doesn't have much closet space. I had only brought two sets of drawers so I knew I was going to have to put up shelves. But where? Well, there was the one room with Chuck's cupboards which he had built, and all of his personal belongings were gone from there now. I didn't feel right using his furniture so I took it all out and put it in the barn. At long last I no longer had to climb over boxes scattered about the house. They all went in my newly emptied room.

I pulled out my wishing well and painted it and put shingles on it to match the shingles on my roof. I had found some in the barn left over from when the house was shingled, just a few years ago. I kept myself very busy all the time to keep from stressing about why Chuck had just vanished. 

 

I spent Christmas and New Year with Phil and his family. It was, as always, a wonderful time, lots of food and laughs. I was sure fighting off some major depression, though. It looked like my friend had abandoned me and I did not know why. It poured down rain on New Year's Eve and I stood out in it at midnight to add my tears to the drops falling on the ground. Then I told myself that I had the most wonderful place on earth to live and I would just have to learn to be happy with that.

A few weeks later I was downtown and I saw Chuck's truck in the parking lot of the post office. I took a few deep breaths and went in. Chuck was at a counter, sorting through some mail. In spite of my pounding heart and the electrical shocks running through my nerves, I managed to walk behind him and “accidentally” bump him. I mumbled, “Sorry.”

He said, “No problem,” and then he turned and looked at me. “Well, hi! How are you? How has everything been going for you?”

“I'm okay, I guess. Kind of been wondering what happened to you.”

 

“All kinds of things have happened to me. I got booted out of that other place and had to spend a little time living in my trailer which the Clines let me stash on their property for a while. Then I found another little place for rent. It's cheap and the only heat is a wood stove so I've been spending all my time cutting wood. I had another job at a garage for a bit, but I didn't like the way the owner treated his customers so that didn't last. My wee house faces the river over there, across the bridge. Do you have time to come over for a coffee and you can see it?”

“Well...all right.”

So, I followed him over and he showed me where and how to park on the other side of the road, because once again there was another house on the property and they were real nasty about anyone taking up even an inch of their “side.”

It was a nice enough little place; the view of the river was fantastic. Chuck had made a number of modifications to the place to make it warmer and more comfortable. I was impressed. 

 

We had a coffee and chatted about this and that. I was very pleased to see that he was wearing the house shoes I had given him our first Christmas together. I decided not to mention anything about them, but I told him how much I loved the little wishing well and how I had fixed it up.

He then said I would have to go now; he had lots of stuff he had to do. But he asked me to return tomorrow and plan to spend the night. He had two beds and I should bring some beer and it would be just like old times. We could drink, play some Cribbage, have a meal and then sleep. Sounded good to me.

I went over early afternoon the next day and he seemed a little jumpy. He kept getting up to look out whenever a car would go by. We had a couple of beers and he relaxed a bit and was showing me all of his photos on his computer. Then I heard a car door outside and said I'd get up and look.

“There's a little red car in your driveway and a very attractive red-headed lady just got out and is headed for your door.”

He jumped up. “You just stay there, I'll be right back.”

So he went to the door and brought in the woman and said, “Maria, I want you to meet Ellen. You two have a whole lot in common. She is single and just moved here the same time as you. She even lives out by where you do.

 

“I met her a couple of months ago while I was outside working on my wood pile. She was driving by and saw the stacks of wood and wanted to know if I had any to sell. So we got to talking and I've gone over and chopped some wood for her. I just knew you two should meet each other. And now, here we are.”

She and I chatted for a bit, exchanged phone numbers, but the tension in the room was sure palpable. Thankfully, she left fairly soon. Then Chuck was Mr. Cheerful and we spent a delightful evening together. All was well and we were back together again.

I would go over and he would show me all about how to chop and stack wood. He taught me how to tell the difference between types of wood and how they would burn differently. He showed me how to load a wood stove and how to keep it burning. He had rigged up this nifty device with a thermostat and a light bulb. At night when the fire died down the thermostat would turn the light on by his bed and wake him up so he could reload wood. He was truly the most inventive person I had ever met.

But, again, one night came a panicked phone call. “Maria, I really need your help. My landlady is coming over tomorrow, with the police, to inspect my house. She's been bugging me about my wood in the yard and how I enclosed the front porch with glass. You saw all of that; you know I did nothing to alter the place. I just put up things to keep it warmer in here. The walls are all self-supporting and can be taken down in a matter of minutes, no damage to the property.

“So I told her no, she could not just come into my house. Then she said she was coming with the cops and would break the door down if necessary. All I want you to do is come over and write down everything that happens and everything that is said. I know you are really good at that. You can do some sort of shorthand, right?”

“Well, of course I'll be there. You can always count on me.”

It turned out to be not all that dramatic. Yes, she came with two police officers. She had some sort of club to break down the door, which she did swing a little bit and hit the door knob. Chuck took pictures of that. But he had left a key outside and told her she could use that instead, if she wanted to. So they came in, walked around, and I wrote down everything that was said and done. Then they left. But she left Chuck with an eviction notice based on what she had seen that day, for the very first time.

We discussed that at length after they left. How could she already have on paper something they only just saw that day? Did the neighbors peek in the windows when he wasn't there? Chuck said he was sure they just had a family member they wanted to move in, so he would have to go. But he was going to fight it. He had my notes; he had his own notes and pictures. He was going to court.

But, then it was time for me to leave the country again, in order to stay legal. So I had to go.

Chapter 7

Chuck started doing work around my property again after I left. I had invested in a cell phone to leave with him so I could reach him wherever he was in case of anything urgent. I also signed up for a very affordable long distance service on my other phone and we would talk for hours on end.

He was doing alterations to the house and keeping the property looking nice. I paid him constantly for everything he said he did. One time he called me collect on the cell just to ask a simple question he could have asked about in an email. I told him to please not do that as it cost 30 cents a minute and that could add up pretty quickly.

Later I got this e-mail:

Consider sending me a money thingy for another 400 or so - what I have will barely cover 1 battery and 5 bundles of insulation - I don't wanna discuss it now - unfortunately I feel somewhat reluctant to ask you for money - that's your fault for going on a rag about 30 cents for a one-minute phone call - work on that - we both know I will need $$ for the property- not me, the property . . .

I replied:

Check is in the mail.

Finally it was time to return. Chuck had a court date and I was to be a witness, along with Bernie. We both knew that Chuck had done no damage to the house. We were going to testify to what a conscientious, honest person he was.

I was informed that I would have to drive myself to the court house since Chuck wasn't sure what he would want to do afterwards. So I followed him to Northview and Bernie met us in the parking lot. Several of the police force from Whispering Springs were also there as witnesses and we ended up waiting outside the court room all day as his was the last case called. I did have a nice time chatting with Bernie all day.

At long last Chuck was called in. He was not allowed to call either me or Bernie as we were just listed as character witnesses. The case was all about did he pay or did he not. The judge had no interest in what his character was. When Chuck came out of the courtroom he said he got confused and wasn't sure what to say. But he had a feeling it would be alright. He had turned over all his pictures and documents of what happened to the judge. Now he and Bernie were going to go out camping and I should just go back home. Thanks for coming. 

 

Yes, I was extremely pissed off about that. But a little later that night, they called me. Drunk, silly, funny, they both raved about what an awesome woman I was. All was forgiven.

Then I left the country again, to stay within my time allowance. I got an email from Chuck. He lost the case and had to be out of the house in 90 days. Worse news, his father had died. The man was 95 and had been ill so it wasn't a complete surprise. He had lived in a big city, too far for Chuck to drive, and he couldn't afford a train ticket to attend the funeral. So I asked what it would cost and sent him a wire transfer for the amount.

Sixty days later I returned. Again, I had heard nothing from him since he had come back from the funeral, when he wrote once to thank me and told me it was a very difficult time for him. But I knew the date he was to be out of his house. I started driving by the place to see if there was any sign of him moving. None.

I did, though, get an interesting phone call from Ellen. “Hi. Remember me? I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get in touch, my life has been very busy. I've finally got my house all painted and everything put away. I was wondering if you would like to come over this weekend. I'll make some snacks and I have a lovely bottle of wine we could share. Ask Chuck if he'd like to come, too.”

“Well, Chuck probably wouldn't be interested right now. His father died and he's having a hard time with that. Plus he's being kicked out of his house and I don't know if he has another place to move to or not. But I'd like to come over. I could really use someone to talk to.”

She gave me directions and a couple of days later I drove out to her place, which was even more remote than mine. There were no neighbors to be seen, anywhere, for many miles. Her house was absolutely adorable.

She told me all about her life and how she had finally come to this remote spot. She had long been in animal rescue and this always caused problems with neighbors, so she decided she didn't want neighbors anymore, ever. She now had three dogs and eight cats.

Being an animal lover myself, I was in fur heaven there. I told her I had always had cats but with my situation of having to go back and forth all the time now I couldn't possibly take on the responsibility of a pet. Someday, though, once all the hurdles had been overcome I would be able to stay and then I would sure have cats. And dogs. And chickens. Maybe a horse or two. We bonded like crazy.

She told me how odd it was that first time we met. Chuck had called her and practically begged her to come over that day because he wanted her to meet me. We finally agreed we didn't understand why it had happened but we were both glad it did.

By our second bottle of wine, I was pouring out my heart about Chuck. “I am so in love with the man. He is like a dream come true, except I'm never sure what he thinks about me. He has so many problems in his life, and if he would marry me all those problems could be overcome and he could finally have the chance to live the life he desires. We are so perfect for each other. But he just seems to be so inside himself that he can't see what's going on right next to him.”

“I think it's all going to work out, Maria,” she said. “You two really do seem to be meant for each other.” I slept on her couch that night.

Chapter 9

Finally, glorious summer has arrived here and we start having fun again. Chuck sometimes brings me bouquets of wild flowers. On hot days we sit in the creek together. We have a bonfire almost every night. We hike in the woods. We play Scrabble and Cribbage. I'm very happy.

He sometimes puts music on, that same mix he always plays. I like it, but he will only listen to that certain group of songs, over and over again. He is not interested in hearing anything new. He doesn't even like to listen to the radio.

Since he still refused to come into the house, instead he would come over and sit on the south side of the sun porch with me. There's windows that run the entire 15-foot length of the porch, affording a beautiful view. We would sit and talk for hours about our plans for the future, things we could do with the property, businesses we could start here.

Sometimes we would ride to the edges of the property, in his truck, and hike around enjoying the wilderness. There were always a number of animal tracks to look at and talk about. Then he showed me the raspberry bushes. Oh my, I have my own fruit. I got on the internet and learned all about wild berries. Later I discovered I also have blueberries.

Neither of us has a television so I spent a lot of time listening to public radio, which I really enjoy. I learned so much about the country's history and the people and government. I believe public, non-commercial radio is a true blessing.

Ellen starts coming over on weekends; she's got a job now at the nursing home. The three of us sit around the fire and drink and talk and have fabulous times. One night we start talking about Alzheimer's and I talk about my mom who is now in a nursing home for that reason. It makes me so sad and I wish I could bring her here to be with me as I know she would love being out in nature. Of course, that's not even remotely possible. We also agree, Ellen and I, that should either of us be stricken with it, we would rather take our own lives than go through the ravages of that horrible disease. 

 

Chuck thinks his mom might have it because when he went to his dad's funeral, afterwards, everyone gathered at a restaurant and had a meal, and then everyone was presented with a bill for their own food, even though his mom was quite wealthy. He said he'd never heard of such a thing and Ellen and I had to agree. He had told me many things about his mom over the years. His two brothers despised her. She was, apparently, very cold to them as children. She sounded pretty awful to me.

One beautiful night in July, Chuck and I were sitting outside. We'd had a few beers and he took my hand, looked deeply into my eyes and said, “Please promise you will always be my friend.”

“Oh, of course I will, Chuck. You know I love you. I would do anything for you.”

“I'm not sure I can ever say I love you to anyone again. But I would still be willing to marry you, that way you can stay here all the time.”

“Did you just ask me to marry you?”

“Yes, and I swear I will.”

There are no words to describe how happy I was that night. Or the next day when I called Ellen to tell her. She insisted on being my maid of honor, and I said of course. I wanted to have a private ceremony here, by the creek. Bernie would probably want to be best man. Then we'd have a huge party, set up a bunch of tables outside with food and beer and wine and invite all our friends. I have a little stereo we could set up for music.

I went out that day and added his name to the mailbox, right next to mine. I still remember how giddy I felt, doing that. At last, we are a team. When one door closes, another opens. I am living proof of that. You just have to trust in the higher power, and all things will work out, in the end.

I started searching online for someone who would come out to perform the ceremony. I also had to find out what sort of paperwork would be involved to make this happen. Turns out I had to get a special form from a lawyer, since Chuck and I had both been married before, in different countries. First we would fill out the marriage license application and take it, along with all the paperwork from our previous marriages, to be sent off with a letter from a lawyer saying we were both truly no longer married to someone else and then we would receive a letter of permission from the state.

Chuck signed the license application and agreed to let the lawyer pull his divorce records. Then he told me,” Since you're going to find out about this anyway, I might as well tell you first. My divorce was granted on the basis of abuse. But I only hit her once.”

“What does that mean, exactly?”

“After she told me she was leaving me, one night I asked if we could go out to dinner and talk. Then we went back to the house and ended up having sex. Afterward she said to me that the only reason I wanted to be with her that night was to fuck her. So I slapped her.

“I immediately realized I had done a terrible thing, so I got up and went to the guest room. She never spoke to me again after that. Then she filed the divorce papers based on abuse and she got her way. My lawyer was worthless and did nothing to defend me. I lost everything.”

I told him if he ever hit me he'd end up missing a hand. I will not tolerate that from anyone. Was that really the only time he had ever done that?

“Yes! Well, no. There was one other time, back when I was 15. I had a friend who was a girl. We were walking home from school one day and I told her about this other girl I wanted to go out with. My friend said that girl was a slut. So I slapped her.

“I realized right away that I had done a bad thing. I apologized but she never spoke to me after that, and I resolved I would never do that again.”

“Yet, you did do it again, later.”

“Yes, I admit that. But now I really understand how terrible it is to hit a woman. I couldn't live with myself if I ever did it again. I swear.”

So, off I went to meet with the lawyer and turn over all the paperwork, plus $500. I was told it could take a few months to hear anything back. A letter would come in the mail. I then explained all this to Chuck and he told me not to tell anyone about it. He didn't want anything to mess up his welfare status.

I told him, “Well, once we're married you won't have to be on welfare anymore. I have enough money to support us for a couple of years and then I'll be able to get a job here. And I will. I'll work, you stay home and take care of the property. It will be a perfect situation. Trust me, we can do this.”

August came and I should have gone back to my country then, but I didn't. I was having too much fun and was so busy with making plans. Plus I got a letter saying the marriage application was missing certain forms and I had to dig that all out again and resubmit it. So I really needed to stay here and keep on top of that process. Meanwhile, we were the happy little couple, me in the house and he in his 13-foot trailer.

He had to stay in the trailer because of the welfare thing again. He told me that if anyone found out he was living in my house, or even if we were having any sort of relationship, they would cut him off. Our relationship had to appear to be one of business only. We couldn't even be seen in town together.

In September he called to say, “There is this 18-foot trailer for sale in the want ads. I'm online with the guy right now. He emailed me pictures and it looks real good and it sure would be great to have. We could take it to go on trips. Besides, we can be married but you know we both need our own space so this would be perfect. I'll park it right next to your door so it will be just like having a whole 'nother wing of the house. Plus, we can live in it while we're doing renovations on the house. 

“It's only $1,000 and if you buy it for me, I will pay you back. When I do stuff for you, instead of paying me $20 and hour you give me $10 and the other $10 can go to pay off the loan. Plus, it's a 3-hour drive from here and since it's fall it would be a great road trip for us, lots of beautiful scenery. Should I tell him we'll be there tomorrow?” Oh, he does know how to play me.

So we went, we got it, and it was a fun trip. We went in Chuck's truck since it has a towing hitch. After we acquired the trailer we stopped in Northview to buy the wood stove Chuck was sure would be perfect for me. I paid for the gas since this trip was all about buying things for me. We also drove by Bernie's to tell him our good news, but his truck wasn't there. We figured he was still out camping somewhere.

As soon as we got back, Chuck immediately went to work getting the new trailer all set up as permanent housing. Instead of putting it next to my door, he parked it over by his other trailer, about 30 yards from the house. He told me he was too tired to try to back it up into position. We could do that later.

He installed five electric baseboard heaters that he got from the dump. He put an old wood stove that the Clines gave him next to the trailer and built a little lean-to over it. It seemed to be a good setup.

So, then we would cook and eat together, and spend evenings playing board games in the trailer. We would go to bed together in the bed at the back end of the trailer. We slept in the spoon position, with me in the back. I would give him massages to help him relax. Since I'm an experienced masseuse, he certainly seemed to enjoy that. We would sleep for a while until he started getting restless, then I would crawl over him as gently as possible, whispering words of love. I would lightly kiss his forehead and say goodnight, then walk back over to the house. I loved those walks under the stars. Sometimes I didn't even bother putting my clothes back on. 

 

We never actually had sex there, never have. He couldn't. I didn't mind, though. We liked to just hold and touch each other. That seemed to be working fine for both of us old folks. Until the night I touched his face, while he was sleeping.

He woke up screaming. “What are you trying to do?”

I said I was just brushing his hair away from his mouth so he wouldn't swallow it.

He told me, “Don't ever touch my face or my throat. I sometimes have nightmares about someone trying to strangle me. I think it might be my mother. She never wanted to have children and she always went blind for awhile after each of us was born. She never showed any of us any sort of affection so it makes me very uncomfortable now when someone does.”

“Well, Chuck, I do love you and I believe that in time you will come to understand that. I will respect your wish to not be touched. I'll just keep telling you how much I love and appreciate you. I promise. Is it okay to keep giving you back rubs?”

“Well, yeah, that's okay.”

 

 

Chapter 11

A couple of days before Thanksgiving Chuck called to tell me he got a big roasting hen from the food bank. He wanted to cook it on his wood stove. Maybe I could whip up some potatoes and dressing and come over and we could have a feast. Plus, I could bring over some music. He wants to hear something different. Wow. I was delighted. So I made mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, zucchini bread. I picked out five CDs. I chose some soft guitar, some jazz, all instrumental stuff.

We had a pleasant time cooking together. He told me when I first arrived to not bring up any relationship issues; we would just talk about simple things like the weather and what was going on in the world, and food. The food was fabulous. It really was a feast. I had my first experience of cooking on a wood stove.

When we sat down to eat he said, “Let's hear what music you brought.” I put on Jesse Cook. We listened for a few seconds and he said, “No, I don't like that.” So I put on another, and got the same response. We went through all five and decided to just dine in silence. Afterward, I took all the dishes home to wash. Oh well.

A few days later the snow started to fall. And fall. I've never seen so much snow. It's beautiful, of course, but day-um, that's a lot of shoveling. My driveway is about 50' long. Chuck had been using that same driveway all this time and had always kept it shoveled

out for me before he moved out here. But now there is also a back way to get to his trailer, which is about 150' long. He started using and shoveling that route instead. He never touched my driveway now.

He did, though, come over one time while I was shoveling to tell me how to shovel easier. He taught me lots of tricks, like shoveling out a path away from the driveway and you put your snow in a toboggan, pull it down the path and dump it there. That way you don't end up with huge piles on the side of the driveway. He told me that if the snow is deep to take the top half off first, then the bottom. It is twice as many movements but what you're lifting is much lighter, so you're less likely to hurt yourself. He showed me how to push, cut and bank it, too. He told me to stop frequently and just look around and enjoy the view. There's no need for it to be a hard chore.

So, I kept my driveway shoveled and I also opened a foot path between the house and the trailer. Mid-December he called me and said that since I had a path open I should come over and bring some beer. He had something to tell me. I went over.

“For weeks I've been searching online and making phone calls and I finally just found out today, Bernie died.”

“What? No! How?”

“Don't know. All I can find out is that they found him in his apartment a couple months ago. He'd been dead for a while. I tried to find a police report but can't get any real information. Are you crying?”

 

“Well, yeah. I loved Bernie, he was such a gentle soul. I'll never forget the times we spent together. I always think of him when I use my bread board.”

We commiserated for a bit, then he said, “I'd like to find out who got his trailer and boat. They should have been mine. His sister probably got everything. You know how much he hated her. And I was his best friend.”

I decided it was time to call it a night and go home.

Just before Christmas he emailed and told me to go and spend it at Phil's, like I always had. He expected to be going to the Cline's, like he had for the past 2 years. I don't know what he ended up doing, but I went to Phil's for Christmas and stayed home on New Year's Eve. I bought a nice bottle of wine and listened to some of my favorite music. Ellen called. She was home alone that night, too. We had a delightful chat.

The next day Chuck showed up at my door. He brought me a big bucket full of sand to 

sprinkle around outside so the ice wouldn't be so deadly slippery. We ended up spending the night together, holding each other in our shared sorrow for all that had been lost that year, 2007. After that we both became very solitary. I started spending more time at the computer.

At this time I heard from my dad that my mom was not doing well and wasn't expected to live much longer. There was no way to tell exactly how much longer, but her condition had really deteriorated and she was under heavy medication now all the time. 

Chapter 13

More snow, more shoveling. In February Chuck sees me outside and tells me to come over. We sit by the wood fire and chat a bit. Then he says, “This came in the mail today. I opened it because it has my name on it, too.” He hands me a large envelope.

It is the marriage application along with a letter of permission. I think I probably said, “Hooray,” or something similar as I read it.

He says, “I would never marry you.”

Something in my brain shut down at that moment, and my soul shattered. I could not think, I could not breathe. I could not process all the things that statement implied. My instinct for fight or flight had never been so strong. But I already knew that trying to fight this was hopeless, so I got up and went home. And cried and cried.

Crying became a way of life. When I went to bed, I'd cry. I cried when I woke up in the morning. In the middle of the day I would curl up into a fetal position on the floor and cry for hours. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stand to listen to music. One day in a store I heard the song “Time After Time” and I had to run out to my van in tears.

I had to do something to save myself, so I turned to my internet friends. I am forever grateful to them for all the help and support they gave me. One day I got a private message from Dog. He told me I had better check out the mental health forum and see what was going on. I went and found that my old post asking for advice about bipolar had moved back up to the top because Chuck found it and replied.

How dare you say those things about me? You are the one who is delusional and needs help, not me. If I ever see you post here again, I will have you thrown out of the country.

Dog posted a reply:

Hey, we had no idea who you were. We are all anonymous here and I think you know that. You are not allowed to threaten people here. We have alerted the moderators. If you have problems with that person, work it out with her. You're obviously in the same place. Stay out of our private sanctuary.

Within a short time all those posts were removed from the board by the site administrators. A couple of people sent me private messages, like this:

Hi. Please Read: My husband used to tell people there was something wrong with me because he was paranoid and projecting. Believe me, I understand.

And:

 That guy sounds seriously dangerous. I think you should get away from there as soon as possible. Be safe.

I wrote to the site administrators and asked if I could be allowed to change my user name, due to the threats. They told me that I could and so I did. Then I was posting and talking to people about other things when I got a private message from Chuck.

You can run but you can't hide

as you wish . .
carry on your delusions
nice try 

Ask anybody in my town that has known me for the last 25 years if they think I need "meds"You are not going to quit trying to convince my friends that I need "help"

Quit stealing from me and lying about what has happened.

I warned you - admit your own faults, and get help.

Leave me alone, and stop lying.

So I quit posting there entirely. Instead I started trying to learn all I could about what I need to do now, to survive. Because I have had some times here recently when I thought that I wouldn't, or didn't want to. I turned to spiritual websites. They told me how important it is to be forgiving. They told me to keep my thoughts positive.

Eventually I started visiting with Chuck now and then in hopes that this would all somehow turn around because I still believed we were meant to be together. I was so depressed, though, I'm not sure now what all I said during those visits. I'm pretty sure I told him I didn't want to live without him. I know I said I'd rather die than go back to my country because I had now become completely discouraged with how insanely corrupt it was. I could no longer relate to those people.

In March I got this message:

Before the snow is gone, I will make sure your van is gone - as that has been your prescribed method of suicide - a topic which you have discussed many times in the last few months.
I have no illusions that I will be able to live out my life here - I have to move on - you will not change, you will not seek help.
I sought help, and got it - and I'm OK with myself.

You steal stuff and make up stories
You do and say things you do not remember
You kicked me out for reasons I do not yet know

I want the keys to your van
I will remove it from in front of your place to over on this side
You refuse, and I will call Customs - they will remove it

Keys to your van
By Friday.

I ain't kidding.

"behaving violently" in MY country and town.
No one will believe that.
except you.
ya right
just try and sell that idea

THINK ABOUT IT

Think? I'm no longer sure I can think. Instead my mind just reels. I cannot get a handle on what I should do. I had let the insurance on the van expire because I expected it to be “ours” soon and would have to get new insurance anyway. Now what do I do? Maybe I am suicidal. I give him the keys. The van gets moved out into the woods, where no one can see it.

What have I got myself into, and how will I ever get out now? Everything I have is here. There's no place else for me to go. My cousin had moved on so that place is gone. There has got to be a way Chuck and I can work this out. We are both human beings, after all.

A couple of weeks later I am getting low on food so I call and ask if he will please give me a ride to town so I can get groceries. He agrees and drops me off a couple of blocks from the store. He tells me to meet him back at the same place when I am done. I was able to get a few things, anyway.

I called Ellen and told her what was going on and she assured me that she would be glad to take me to the store whenever I needed to go. Then I called Phil and he told me the same thing. All I had to do was ask, and help would come. 

 

In April Chuck built a large greenhouse next to the trailer. It's amazing. He used all those big thermal pane windows he had found at the dump. I go over a few times to admire it and we talk about gardening. Last summer I had put in a small garden and grew a few tomatoes, onions, peas and potatoes. The potatoes were a surprise. I had one from the store that had sprouted so I cut it up and planted it. I'd never done potatoes before and I didn't think anything would come of it. Then, in the fall, I was delighted to find I had created about a dozen spuds. The tomatoes were good, too, but it gets cold quickly here so I was really wishing I could have a greenhouse to be able to grow more.

We started having nice, little April showers so one day I pulled the last of the beige carpeting out of my bedroom. I laid it outside just behind the house to get a rain wash. The next day I went to Northview with Ellen to do some shopping. It was late in the day when we got back. When I got up the next morning and looked out my window, the rug had been moved. It was now all the way over by the trailer. I went over and pulled it back to my yard where he could no longer see it.

I saw him outside later so I went over. “How dare you take my carpet! I put that out for a rinse and you just decide to take it for yourself? What is wrong with you?”

“I didn't take it. I just moved it out of the way a little bit so I wouldn't run over it.” (It was nowhere near the driveway.) “I don't like you coming over here and making accusations like that. You clearly aren't thinking straight. Stay away from me!” I left. 

 

Meanwhile, my mom was getting worse all the time. She passed in the first of May. I started getting in touch with all my family then on a daily basis: Dad, Brother, Sister, Aunts, Uncles. Plus long-time family friends and my old friends online. I got many condolence messages and replied to all telling them that I was doing just fine but due to circumstances here I could not possibly travel back down there now to attend the funeral. I rarely left the house over a two-week period.

Then, one day while I was taking the trash out to the road, Chuck saw me and walked over. “Hey, haven't seen you around for a while.”

“Yeah, well, my mom died. I've been kind of busy with that.”

“She died? I didn't even know she was sick. You never tell me nothing about your family!”

 

I was so numb at this point, all I could do was shake my head and walk away.

Chapter 14

In June I got a cash payout from the insurance company for when the tree fell on the house. So I had Phil take me to the hardware store and I bought some lumber to build a woodshed, some paneling for the house, a solar light, and a build-it-yourself greenhouse kit. Chuck got hired as a mechanic working on big rig trucks. He started working 12-hour days, five days a week, so I had the place to myself for a change. I built a wood shed and set up the greenhouse. I planted a garden. I adopted a cat.

Ellen had come over and asked me if I would please take one of her cats, Belle. The poor old gal was always getting beat up by the other cats and spent most of her time under the bed or in the closet. She really needed a nice home, free of other cats. Plus, she was a good mouser and I was having a bit of a problem with mice. Ellen said she would provide a cat box and help buy cat food. So, I finally said yes and got myself a kitty.

On weekends Chuck and I started hanging out together again, enjoying the property. There was no more sleeping together and I just really wanted for us to be friends. After all, we were in this completely bizarre situation now. The world was exploding and people were dying from horrible things everywhere. It was nice to have a real person to talk to about all the horrors the BFEE had unleashed upon the world. We were setting up our little safe haven. This could work.

This is an email that he sent then that made me feel more comfortable with what was going on here.

 

July 7

Let me know where you want me to move that lumber that is on top of my logs on the West side of your barn.
I don't want to put your lumber on the ground, but I want those logs out of there in the next day or two to prevent rotting.
I plan to move them (my logs) over to my greenhouse area
Thanx

So, we're outside talking again one afternoon and he decides to tell me the following about himself: “Sometimes people accuse me of being self-centered. I'll admit it, I am. That doesn't mean I'm conceited though, it just means I'm looking out for myself. I have to, to survive. I've been screwed over again and again. People always take advantage of my innocence, my gentleness. I trust them and then they rip me off. So now I always think of myself first. It's how I've managed to survive all this time.”

 

I began to realize that whenever I went over feeling happy he would immediately slap me with some criticism, which would put me in a weak and submissive state. He would then turn all cheerful and talk about how wonderful he was and how he needed things to be. I was only allowed to like his music, his food, his ideas. If I had my own ideas, this was stressful to him.

He often told me that I was not at all observant; it was like I was wearing blinders. He based this on the fact that when I walk I always look down. Lemme tell you something, I learned about looking down when I lived and worked in the big city. I learned to not step in dog doo or strange goop, and I frequently found money while walking that way. Now, out on my property, I'm always barefoot, in the summer anyway. I want to see exactly where my feet will be landing. He doesn't seem to understand about peripheral vision. Mine is quite good. I do still see what's going on, but he doesn't realize that.

I tried to explain it to him once, but to him it was just evidence that I was delusional. He could SEE, I couldn't. He told me that so many times, for a while I started to think maybe he was right.

One Sunday, a few weeks later, I was out working in my garden when I heard a truck pull into my driveway. It was Bill, the neighbor I'd never met, and he was carrying a chainsaw. I started getting a little freaked out and said, “Hi. What's up?”

“Hi. I'm Bill, I live over there. I think you probably know who I am and I think you have heard some really bad things about me. But, I've seen that tree laying across your yard for months now and I've seen how you try to mow around it. I decided I would come over and cut it up for you and get it out of the way. It's what neighbors do here.”

“But, but, Chuck was going to pull that around and make it into a fence for me. I'd like to have a fence across the front.”

 

“Trust me, I know Chuck; that will never happen. Just let me get it out of the way for you. Okay? Then we'll talk.”

So I let him. He made quick work of it and we moved it all out of the way. What a relief. I insisted he have a beer after and we talked.

He told me all about himself and how his family had grown up here. Then we got to talking about Chuck. I told him about the rent payments I signed for but never got and he said the same thing had happened to him. He asked me how many animals Chuck had shot here. I'm like, “What?”

“Oh yeah, when he first moved onto my property he told me how much respect he had for all the critters. Then one day he shot a porcupine, just because it was there. I was pretty angry about that because we don't see many porcupines around here these days, but he was all freaked out that it was going to attack him. Another time he shot a garter snake. He said it bit him. I don't believe that. I think there is something wrong with the guy.”

“Oh yes, I think so, too. But I'm trying to find help for him. I love him. I would do anything for him.”

“That's nice of you. Hope it works out. But come on up sometime, meet the gang. You have friends up the road you don't even know about. I'm only here in the summer though. I leave in September.”

We shared a big hug and he left. About an hour later Chuck came out. “I see you've gone over to the dark side.”

“No. I did not invite him here. I did not ask him to do that. He came over and volunteered to help a woman who appeared to be in need of help. I was, and I am very grateful for what he did. Here's something you should know about him. He was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's. He's doing okay so far; he's on a lot of drugs. But he has a horrible disease and he will eventually die from it.”

“I didn't know that. Maybe I should go and try to talk to him. Maybe we could make up.”

“I think that would be a really good idea, for both of you.”

A couple of days later I walked the quarter mile up to Bill's. He was just starting the grill. I met Sam, the guy who looks after the property now, like Chuck used to do. Then Rob, who hangs out most days and helps in whatever way he can. Bill took me on a tour of the property, some of which I had seen, all those years before. There was a bit of a tug in my heart to see that place where Chuck and I started out. But there was a whole lot more to see than just that little spot, like part of the big creek there. It was just stunning and we had a nice, long hike. Then he fed me, grilled burgers and fries. Yum. 

 

Weeks later I took Ellen up to Bill's and introduced them. He fed us, grilled burgers, fries, corn on the cob. It was a beautiful evening. Bill has this gorgeous cat, a tiny calico girl, so of course we ladies were all gushing over her. He invited us to an upcoming party in a few weeks. It was a party he had yearly and people would be coming from all over. There would be live music, a fairly famous musician even. I said I'd be there, for sure.

Ellen didn't get to go, she had to work. I went though, and oh my, what a great time. It was outside in the woods, about 20-30 people there, all of them very nice. One person came around offering venison sausage. Killed the deer himself. Now, I was never one to eat this sort of thing before. But this is a new world and I was tired of the old world of grocery store meat, full of chemicals and antibiotics.

So I took a piece and it changed my eating habits forever. It was so tasty. It went down so smooth. Now I eat venison whenever I can. Then came the live music. Several people there had guitars and fiddles and drums. What a wonderful, beautiful night I had. I walked home under the star-filled sky, and someone walked with me to make sure I got home safely.

This was a new person I had only met that night. He heard a bit about my situation and told me I should just tell Chuck to leave. “He already stated that he wanted to, right? Good. Now just tell him to go. You shouldn't have to live with all this stress and harassment. Just tell him to go.”

Chapter 15

A week later I heard from Chuck. “Come over. I got fired. I can't talk about it on the phone.”

So, from what I understand, he was moving a big truck and he crashed it into another big truck. Lots of damage. Oh Chuck, Chuck. He said he was afraid they would try to charge him with doing it on purpose. I told him if needed I would testify to the fact that he would never hurt a vehicle on purpose. Then I started going over every day to spend some time with him. He was very depressed. I still loved him and was committed to trying to help him.

His greenhouse started producing like crazy then; there were tomatoes, cauliflower, cucumbers, onions, and he had a small corn field on the side. One day Ellen and I were sitting in my yard and he came over with a big bag of produce, and gave it to her. “Hi! How you been? Here, check out what I've grown in my garden.” They talked for a few minutes while I just sat there with my mouth agape. Then he left.

I looked at her and said, “He's never given me a thing from that garden. And he's only paid me rent twice this year, while I continue to pay for his electricity.” She gave me half of what was in the bag.

Yet, I continued to go over to spend time with him, but we now had a new rule. I was no longer allowed to speak. He told me all I did was jabber and he just wanted to enjoy the silence. He already knew all my opinions about stuff, so unless I had something really important to say, I should just shut up. He would tell me this jokingly, of course.

One day he told me, “I don't care what other people are saying, I think Sarah Palin is HOT.” This from a proclaimed life-long liberal/progressive who always stated he judged people by their character, not by their looks. Well, Chuck, there's a big difference between having character and being one.

Then he said he had decided to try to get back together with his old girlfriend in Northview. Seems he was seeing this lady all the way up to the time he left there. Once he moved to Whispering Springs he had told her he couldn't have a relationship with her any longer because she was bipolar. He said she used to call and beg him to reconsider. Now he was beginning to feel he wasn't really wanted here so he planned to move on. He had high hopes that she would take him back. Maybe she would come up here and help him move.

I decided I had finally found something really important to say. After all the times I had turned the other cheek, it was time now to turn both cheeks and say, kiss my ass. “Get off of my property. Now! Take your crap and get the fuck out of here. Go live with your girlfriend in Northview. But don't you ever bring her here. If I ever see another woman on this property, I will have her arrested for trespassing.” I walked away, for the last time.

A short time later I get this message:

 I asked you to leave me alone
 Instead, you bother me again and state you "want me out of here"
 Give me a reason You want more money?

         I never come over to your house,
       I live with no running water or bathroom facilities - "guests" ask where they can use the         bathroom and I have to say the house is not available . . .
       you figure it out
       they are not impressed
       I'm going to build an outhouse over here for my guests.
      That is not a question.
      And as far as I'm concerned, rent is paid for next month
      No response is required
      And stay away from me
      One more contact from you that is unpleasant, as they have been lately,
      I will contact Terry, Steve and Fred to see what is really going on with you
      In case you don't remember who they are, - they are your sister, brother and father -
      who you have never mentioned in the 4 years we have known each other
      amazing
      just amazing

I called Phil. “You won't believe what's going on here. It's beyond crazy and I really need someone to talk to.”

“Hey, we're just getting ready to go for a couple of days on a fishing trip. Why don't you come along, get away from there for a bit?”

“Yes, I'd like that.”

That was a good time. Days in the sun by the river. Boat rides and fresh-caught fish for supper. Beers around the campfire at night. Lots of friends and family there. I told them what was going on here. I was told that they always knew there was something wrong with Chuck, but not to worry, they would watch out for me. If I ever needed help, just call.