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Friday, May 27, 2011

Chapter 13

More snow, more shoveling. In February Chuck sees me outside and tells me to come over. We sit by the wood fire and chat a bit. Then he says, “This came in the mail today. I opened it because it has my name on it, too.” He hands me a large envelope.

It is the marriage application along with a letter of permission. I think I probably said, “Hooray,” or something similar as I read it.

He says, “I would never marry you.”

Something in my brain shut down at that moment, and my soul shattered. I could not think, I could not breathe. I could not process all the things that statement implied. My instinct for fight or flight had never been so strong. But I already knew that trying to fight this was hopeless, so I got up and went home. And cried and cried.

Crying became a way of life. When I went to bed, I'd cry. I cried when I woke up in the morning. In the middle of the day I would curl up into a fetal position on the floor and cry for hours. I couldn't eat. I couldn't stand to listen to music. One day in a store I heard the song “Time After Time” and I had to run out to my van in tears.

I had to do something to save myself, so I turned to my internet friends. I am forever grateful to them for all the help and support they gave me. One day I got a private message from Dog. He told me I had better check out the mental health forum and see what was going on. I went and found that my old post asking for advice about bipolar had moved back up to the top because Chuck found it and replied.
How dare you say those things about me? You are the one who is delusional and needs help, not me. If I ever see you post here again, I will have you thrown out of the country.
Dog posted a reply:
Hey, we had no idea who you were. We are all anonymous here and I think you know that. You are not allowed to threaten people here. We have alerted the moderators. If you have problems with that person, work it out with her. You're obviously in the same place. Stay out of our private sanctuary.
Within a short time all those posts were removed from the board by the site administrators. A couple of people sent me private messages, like this:
Hi. Please Read: My husband used to tell people there was something wrong with me because he was paranoid and projecting. Believe me, I understand.
And:
 That guy sounds seriously dangerous. I think you should get away from there as soon as possible. Be safe.
I wrote to the site administrators and asked if I could be allowed to change my user name, due to the threats. They told me that I could and so I did. Then I was posting and talking to people about other things when I got a private message from Chuck.
You can run but you can't hide
as you wish . .
carry on your delusions
nice try
 
Ask anybody in my town that has known me for the last 25 years if they think I need "meds"You are not going to quit trying to convince my friends that I need "help"
Quit stealing from me and lying about what has happened.
I warned you - admit your own faults, and get help.
Leave me alone, and stop lying.
So I quit posting there entirely. Instead I started trying to learn all I could about what I need to do now, to survive. Because I have had some times here recently when I thought that I wouldn't, or didn't want to. I turned to spiritual websites. They told me how important it is to be forgiving. They told me to keep my thoughts positive.

Eventually I started visiting with Chuck now and then in hopes that this would all somehow turn around because I still believed we were meant to be together. I was so depressed, though, I'm not sure now what all I said during those visits. I'm pretty sure I told him I didn't want to live without him. I know I said I'd rather die than go back to my country because I had now become completely discouraged with how insanely corrupt it was. I could no longer relate to those people.

In March I got this message:
Before the snow is gone, I will make sure your van is gone - as that has been your prescribed method of suicide - a topic which you have discussed many times in the last few months.
I have no illusions that I will be able to live out my life here - I have to move on - you will not change, you will not seek help.
I sought help, and got it - and I'm OK with myself.
You steal stuff and make up stories
You do and say things you do not remember
You kicked me out for reasons I do not yet know
I want the keys to your van
I will remove it from in front of your place to over on this side
You refuse, and I will call Customs - they will remove it
Keys to your van
By Friday.
I ain't kidding.
"behaving violently" in MY country and town.
No one will believe that.
except you.
ya right
just try and sell that idea
THINK ABOUT IT
Think? I'm no longer sure I can think. Instead my mind just reels. I cannot get a handle on what I should do. I had let the insurance on the van expire because I expected it to be “ours” soon and would have to get new insurance anyway. Now what do I do? Maybe I am suicidal. I give him the keys. The van gets moved out into the woods, where no one can see it.

What have I got myself into, and how will I ever get out now? Everything I have is here. There's no place else for me to go. My cousin had moved on so that place is gone. There has got to be a way Chuck and I can work this out. We are both human beings, after all.

A couple of weeks later I am getting low on food so I call and ask if he will please give me a ride to town so I can get groceries. He agrees and drops me off a couple of blocks from the store. He tells me to meet him back at the same place when I am done. I was able to get a few things, anyway.

I called Ellen and told her what was going on and she assured me that she would be glad to take me to the store whenever I needed to go. Then I called Phil and he told me the same thing. All I had to do was ask, and help would come. 
 
In April Chuck built a large greenhouse next to the trailer. It's amazing. He used all those big thermal pane windows he had found at the dump. I go over a few times to admire it and we talk about gardening. Last summer I had put in a small garden and grew a few tomatoes, onions, peas and potatoes. The potatoes were a surprise. I had one from the store that had sprouted so I cut it up and planted it. I'd never done potatoes before and I didn't think anything would come of it. Then, in the fall, I was delighted to find I had created about a dozen spuds. The tomatoes were good, too, but it gets cold quickly here so I was really wishing I could have a greenhouse to be able to grow more.

We started having nice, little April showers so one day I pulled the last of the beige carpeting out of my bedroom. I laid it outside just behind the house to get a rain wash. The next day I went to Northview with Ellen to do some shopping. It was late in the day when we got back. When I got up the next morning and looked out my window, the rug had been moved. It was now all the way over by the trailer. I went over and pulled it back to my yard where he could no longer see it.

I saw him outside later so I went over. “How dare you take my carpet! I put that out for a rinse and you just decide to take it for yourself? What is wrong with you?”

I didn't take it. I just moved it out of the way a little bit so I wouldn't run over it.” (It was nowhere near the driveway.) “I don't like you coming over here and making accusations like that. You clearly aren't thinking straight. Stay away from me!” I left. 
 
Meanwhile, my mom was getting worse all the time. She passed in the first of May. I started getting in touch with all my family then on a daily basis: Dad, Brother, Sister, Aunts, Uncles. Plus long-time family friends and my old friends online. I got many condolence messages and replied to all telling them that I was doing just fine but due to circumstances here I could not possibly travel back down there now to attend the funeral. I rarely left the house over a two-week period.

Then, one day while I was taking the trash out to the road, Chuck saw me and walked over. “Hey, haven't seen you around for a while.”

Yeah, well, my mom died. I've been kind of busy with that.”

She died? I didn't even know she was sick. You never tell me nothing about your family!”
 
I was so numb at this point, all I could do was shake my head and walk away.